Last night I watched Brittany Spears on SNL, then watched Inspector Barnaby on A&E in an episode about incest, all the while playing Quake. Then, all night, I dreamed about Brittany Spears, who was having an incestuous relationship, being chased by monsters through a maze.

One rarely sees such a clear cause and effect.

Here it is, the last day of my four day weekend and I haven't actually done a goddamn thing but eat, watch TV, eat, watch DVDs, eat, play Quake, eat, play Snood and eat. Also eat, if I didn't mention that before.

I have watched so much TV, my eyes are bugging out. And not the kind of TV that I usually watch--a little Iron Chef here, a little Conan O'Brien there, but instead movie after movie, A&E Mystery after A&E Mystery.

On Friday I watched about five Columbo episodes, including one with my father in it (ray!), on Saturday it was Tommy and The Wizard of Oz, and then a disgusting Making Of special that turned out to be a plug for the Grinch movie, the Inspector Barnaby mentioned above and a Poirot, today was a Scott Turow mystery starring Hector Elizondo and Brian Dennehy as well as two Spenser movies. I think that it's a good thing that I'm going back to work tomorrow, as my brain may be atrophying.

I do wish that I could live in one of those small English villages that feature in all of those murder mysteries. Though without the murdering bit.

So on Friday, we saw the Jazz game on TV, which was great fun.

John Stockton was given an award before the game for tying the record for playing the most games with a single team, and it was just the cutest thing, because he was clearly miserable as the presentation was going on.

ME
It's sure a good thing that he doesn't need to smile to be handsome, or he wouldn't have so many fans.

CYNTHIA
I'm sure he's thinking of when they gave the Lakers their rings in a ceremony before the game that they then proceeded to lose. Badly.

ME
I hope he doesn't retire this year. He can't retire without Malone, though, they have a symbiotic relationship. Malone is the hippo and Stockton is the little white bird.

We said many other amusing things. Things that I cannot remember, as it was two days ago. I really should take notes when the three of us watch sporting events together, we do great colour commentary. I'm the Dennis Miller of the group.

O wait, I remember an exchange! Karl Malone was shooting freethrows, and he used to be really horrible at it until he started this routine where he spins the ball in his hands and mumbles to himself.

ME
What does he say to himself when he does that?

CYNTHIA
Nobody knows.

ME
"Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow..."

FRAN
"Did I leave the iron on?"

ME
"I wonder who was really responsible for Citizen Kane, Herman Mankiewicz or Orson Welles?"

CYNTHIA
"How's that Florida recount going?"

Bizarrely, Ostertag, who is the big hunk of overpaid poop, weirdly got three out of four freethrows and several rebounds. Plus, an actual basket! It was the weirdest thing.

ME
What are they applauding him for? Doing his job? He's big, he's supposed to get the rebounds!

CYNTHIA
It's like Bonnie taking her medicine and we all applaud. Positive reinforcement.

ME
"Yay! Ostertag used the potty!"

CYNTHIA
Everytime he does something good, though, he always follows up by making mistakes for the next ten minutes.

ME
He's done for the year, then.

Today's horoscope:
You (or the kids) may be inclined to splurge on some kind of self- indulgence today. A little spoiling is fine; just don't go overboard.

One year ago today:
'Cause nothing's more Ethnic than '50s teens on the phone!

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Last Updated Wed 1 November 09:53:09 2000