Thoughts on the Oscars, typed while watching the tape afterwards because I had a performance of the Most Tiresome Show in All the Land, or The Worst Reason to Miss the Oscars Ever, not to mention typed without a spacebar and laboriously cutting and pasting spaces between each word afterwards, I hope you appreciate it!

I did think it was funny seeing Chloë Sevigny sitting right behind Hilary Swank and making faces whenever they mentioned her in a positive fashion. Maybe they didn't get along so good, huh?

Man this is hard typing without spaces! I'm hitting the spacebar anyway, 'cause I can't not do it, but it's making me crazy!

O my God, Charlie's Angels? Why not have the cast of Emmanuelle 4? They would be about as relevant.

Starting off with Costume? What up with that? It's supposed to be a Supporting! What a dull award to start out with. Of course, it's not dull for the nominees. And their families.

Peter Coyote has just the sexiest voice. I could listen to him say any old shit. And that's exactly what he's saying!

It just goes to show that the dances didn't really drag the show out any, what with it still running four freakin' hours or so!

The second award is sound. I guess they don't expect anyone to be watching the first hour, huh?

I do love Tobey Maguire, but he and Erykah Badu both sounded as though they were wound up with keys in their backs.

My, these speeches sure are short! Where did the four hours go?

That's "surrogate", Noni, not "serrogate".

Ah, finally a major category! What's up with Samantha Morton's hair? Was she hoping to audition for Charlie's Angels?

Take out a few dance numbers but add in fifteen different clip packages, see no difference in the time, is, I believe, the lesson learned tonight! Not that I dislike clip packages, they're swelleriffic, but swift they don't make it.

Man, I'm beginning to think that they had guns pointed at the winner's heads to keep those speeches short! Anything to get in more clip packages.

Every year there's always one really strange presenter. This year I believe that award would have to go to LL Cool J.

Hey, there's my man Rand! Give him a close-up, you bastards! Are they doing the songs all at once? Gotta get in those clip packages, I guess! N'Synch? Lucky I'm watching this on tape! In situations like this one, the fast forward button is your friend. Robin Williams singing Blame Canada? Whose fucked up idea was that! I notice they got in a production number after all! That's one less clip package. Actually, that worked pretty well. Russell Crowe almost smiled, so it must have been funny!

Phil Collins? Isn't that one of the signs of the Apocalypse? Rand is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars. Grab your ankles and smile, babe, they're fucking you over again.

Is Dame Judi wearing the same dress from last year?

Michael Caine? I mean, he was perfectly fine in the film, but I don't think it was an award-winning performance.

It's 2.21 and all I want to do it sleep. But I'm barely halfway through. Next year I'm not doing a show on Oscar night, goddammit!

The exciting and talented Salma Hayek? In what universe? How about the dull and talent-free Salma Hayek?

Is that outfit Diane Keaton's subtle bid to be in American Beauty 2?

Honestly, I can do without the seven hours of old Oscar songs, no matter what legends they have singing them!

Tommy Lee! Hey, baby! That woke me up.

Sorry, Warren, it's 3.04a, I'm fast forwarding through your special award. I'll catch you later. And I really will, too, as that looked like a really good clip package.

Roberto, I love you, I really do, but I want to go to bed. Knock it off with the wagging tail stuff.

And this year's weeping spouse or relative award goes to, Chad Lowe! Congrats Mr. Lowe, please pick up your Paul Sorvino Memorial Box of Kleenex on your way out.

I guess that Gwyneth Paltrow has wearied of being the best dressed woman in any room she happens to be in, so she decided to tire herself in a potato sack and not wear any powder.

3.32a. I'm going to bed.

Today's horoscope:
Pressure is applied to get your agreement. Be open to negotiation, but don't let yourself be ramrodded. Protect your rights.

One year ago today:
I was just cringing, thinking "Don'taskmedon'taskmedon'taskme" and for once my psychic powers worked for good rather than evil.

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Wearin' o' the green by:
Melissa!

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Last Updated Mon 27 March 11:47:09 2000