Guest entry today! A friend of mine sent me a story that was so funny that I begged her for reprint rights. You've heard of The Actor's Nightmare? Well, this is The Director's Nightmare!

She had said that the opening night for her Moliere was, well, interesting, and this is the answer to my question,

"Well? How interesting?"

"About my opening night - I had a very good Moliere script to direct, with a strong cast - it was a great overall experience. I'll give you the short version now, perhaps a more detailed version later. I came in tired, expecting it to be a quiet opening night that would end early (7:00pm show). Three major things (and several minor ones) conspired to make it the wackiest opening night - somewhere in the world, there must have been a full moon.

First thing, (the producer was very angry about something). No point explaining that here, but let me tell you it was not pretty. Once that was over, (Actor #1) missed curtain. He was in the opening and closing scenes of the play and offstage for the whole middle, and carries most of the dialogue in the opening scene. He didn't show up. He missed his opening scene. I had to re-stage the opening scene, with another actor reading the dialogue from the light booth, and the other actor who was (Actor #1)'s scene partner was onstage by himself looking into the light booth and responding. Of course, (Actor #1) had most of the dialogue, so poor (Actor #2) was like a deer in the headlights, and the audience all stayed facing forward, listening to the disembodied voice behind them. And I had to make a curtain speech to explain the situation beforehand. It was ludicrous. And by the way, (Terribly Judgemental Actor) was one of the nine people in the audience.

Well, I and the cast survived all that, but then the real kicker came. (Actor #3) had a small role. He came onstage with no pants on. He was wearing period dress, a tunic type thing that came down to his hips, and he was supposed to be wearing opaque black tights, but the guy came out in a sheer black pantyhose type thing, where you could see his underwear and practically everything else, because the tunic wasn't that long. He looked like he walked out of a gay burlesque. Believe me, you couldn't miss it.

I was almost crying, I was trying so hard not to laugh. You have to remember how dead tired I was, expecting an easy night and then having (the producer) go wild and then (Actor #1) missing his entrance. I kept thinking, what must this audience think, with that inane curtain speech, the re-staged opening scene and now this burlesque show? When I went home that evening, I sat in my kitchen and stared at the wall without moving for an hour. Every few minutes, I'd laugh hysterically, then I'd go back to being shell-shocked and staring blankly at my oven.

The footnotes to the story are - (Actor #1) made his closing scene and all remaining performances. (If you know him or see him, please don't bring it up, because as spacey as he can be and as inexcusable as it was, I think he's actually embarrassed by it). (Actor #3) bought an opaque pair of tights for the remaining performances, and really, I think that was for the best for everyone. I had to tell (Actor #4) to give him the note about buying new tights - I didn't really know (Actor #3) at the time and I was afraid I'd go hysterical laughing - but it turned out (Actor #3) was very good natured about it.

Well, I'm certainly glad this was the short version - believe me, I've omitted some details. And the show was actually very good, opening night and the whole run."

Okay, that's pretty interesting!

This is a classic example of the fact that once the show opens, the actors are on their own, no matter how much the director is dying to run down the aisle and save the day!

Today's horoscope:
Contact and communication on the docket for today. Keep in touch and share vital information.

One year ago today:
"Eat When You're Hungry and Don't When You're Not and Not So Much Damn Junk and Have Some Water Occasionally Instead of Pepsi For God's Sake" diet.

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Last Updated Wed 15 March 09:55:09 2000