17 January
So, in looking for pics for my portfolio, I pawed through photos in boxes that haven't been opened in years.
Everything's in an appalling order--pictures that I took mixed with family snapshots and pictures of me. It was really quite stunning, almost depressing but not entirely, to see all these unfamiliar pictures of me from ten and fifteen years ago.
First of all, I was skinny as hell, and second of all, I was just lovely. And it was like a stab in the heart, and not only because I am almost completely unrecognizable as that girl today, but because I had no idea at the time. I thought I was fat! I thought I was plain! I had no idea what fat and plain was, when you add ten years to it.
It was a really nostalgic feeling, seeing me at twenty or whatever, and my boyfriend and my apartment and my job at the time. I mean, it's not as though I want it all back, or even that I want to be twenty again, but it was like looking at a picture of my daughter rather than myself, my daughter who grew up and went away.
I have decided (yes again) that I really must lose weight.
I weighed myself on New Year's Day and was properly horrified at seeing a number that I have never seen before, though I decided to wait until the end of my holiday before dieting in earnest. Of course, I forgot about it until yesterday, when I weighed myself and saw that I had lost four pounds. Very encouraging!
I am tired of feeling like a stranger in my body, like I'm wearing it like a suit, I am tired of having a bigger waistline than most pregnant women, I'm tired of not being able to walk into a regular store and try on anything besides the hats.
It will take about a year and a half to get the weight off, if I get serious, and the longer I wait, the more I will weigh, and the longer it will take in the long run, and the older I will be.
This song has been running through my head for over a week. I just can't stop singing it. I wonder what it means? Am I making a wish or am I predicting the future?
Who'll be my love
You'll be my love
You'll be my sky above
Who'll be my light
You'll be my light
You'll be my day and night
You'll be mine tonight
Caught up in Magic Purple Crayon yesterday. It's always annoying to get up to the present day when you're reading a journal from the start, because then you have to wait for them to get off their touchases and write a new entry!
The new one that I have started is a real winner, Artist at Large, by a red-headed Canadian costume designer, caricaturist and photographer. I never want to catch up!
The thing that I like about Cameron is that she really seems to know who she is and be happy with herself. You don't see many people like that. I want to be her when I grow up.
If I suddenly disappear sometime soon without a word, it will be because I slit my wrists because I couldn't goddamn get past goddamn Level 23!
Damn you, Snoooooood!!
Today's horoscope:
Today's a day for planning for the future. Begin visualizing ways to expand your career options. Create more success for yourself.
One year ago today:
I'm not letting anyone ruin my best model without a fight, dammit!
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Last Updated Mon 17 January 09:58:09 2000