9 August
How much longer is it going to be like this?
Seriously, how much longer is it going to be like this? Won't it ever change? Of course, that's not really the question, the real question is how much longer can I stand it being like this.
Usually I don't mind, I'm certainly used to it, this is my life, this is the way it is, and it's fine, it's good, I'm usually pretty happy. I have friends that I love, and a family that I have made for myself of the Callahans and the kids and the cats, and I know that I am welcome to stay in their family forever.
My mother is in good health and we have a good relationship, I have my other friends, not to mention my friends that are reading this, you, yes you, and you must realize that I do love you and appreciate you more than I can express.
But sometimes the giant gaping hole in my life, the elephant in the room, sometimes I notice that it's there and I can't see anything else besides it. And that's when I ask, how much longer is it going to be like this?
Because I don't know how much longer I can stand it.
This is not what brought this on, but there's this guy at work, he's in North Carolina, and I send him his checks and he sends me candy and I send him his checks a little faster than I do anyone else, and we flirt in e-mail and I really like him alot.
Well, yesterday he was at the office, and he told me that he was going to be there and asked if he couldn't meet me, and I said yes, and I wondered which it would be--would he be really cute and think that I'm revolting or would he be really revolting and be on me like white on rice?
And then we met and he was much older than I expected and pretty short and I could tell by the look in his eye that I wasn't what he had hoped for either we chatted for a minute and then he went away, and I thought "Wow, that was the best case scenario! Neither of us liked each other!"
And it took me awhile to realize that it never occurred to me that both of us could like each other, that the idea didn't even cross my mind, and that if I think that absolute apathy on both sides was the best thing that could be expected to occur, then maybe I have accepted that my life is what it is and that nothing will ever change, that nothing can ever change.
But I don't want that, I don't want this to be it, I don't want to give up hope that someday there will be something else. I just can't see the realistic possibility. Not today, I can't.
You know the kind of journals that I love best? The ones about people in really great relationships.
And I don't mean people who are always going on about how in love they are, but the people whose husbands or wives or boyfriends or girlfriends are true partners, and you can tell how much they respect and love one another just from the way that they spend time together. The way that it's shown, not told.
People like Dawn, or Jackie, or Amanda, or Jessie. People like Beth, or Pamie or Diane. Or Cameron, or Elphaba.
I hadn't realized that they were all women that I feel this way about. I do read men's journals and I like reading about relationships from their point of view, but the ones that I identify with, the ones that I most want to be, those are the women.
I guess that makes sense.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a tunnel, and whichever way I look it's the same thing, it's the same every day before me as every day behind me. Working and writing and buying groceries and going to movies. Feeding the cats and bathing and sleeping and watching TV. Breathing and talking and eating and going to the bathroom. Being happy and being sad and being angry but always being fundamentally alone.
Sorry about the melodrama.
Do you believe in love? What are you waiting for?
Today's horoscope:
A day for fantasies and fairy tales with family. Indulge your imagination and enjoy the world of magic and make-believe.
One year ago today:
'Has anyone ever told you that you look like Janeane Garafalo?'
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Last Updated Wed 9 August 20:36:09 2000
