So I spent yesterday in the darkroom working like a coolie on Marq and Michelle's neverending wedding pictures.

I did 31 prints in 6 hours, which ain't bad. I lucked into a string of them that all had the exact same lighting, so I didn't need to change the settings on the enlarger and could just roll them out like chocolates on an assembly-line.

One of them, of Marq and the baby, was so beautiful that I'm entering it in a photo contest in October. If I win the $100,000 I'll slip him a twenty if I feel like a real sport.

Then I went to the bar where Michelle works and gave her her shots and discussed her life.

She's in this completely weird place right now, because the man she married was an alcoholic drug addict who fucked around like a satyr, which she didn't like, but he did promise to change, and then one day he did.

He found God. I was not under the impression that God was lost, but apparently he was because Marq found him, and Jesus, too. And because he finds it impossible to do things half-way, Michelle went from being the wife of the man described above to the wife of a Loony Fundamentalist™ who is constantly telling her that she is going to hell because, though she is a Christian, she isn't Christian enough.

I don't know but that I'd prefer being married to the former.

They often have arguments about God and about how everyone who isn't a Loony Fundamentalist™ is going straight to hell (there goes the entire continent of Asia! There goes Israel! There goes Europe!), including Catholics (if not especially Catholics), and how whether you go to heaven has nothing to do with your actions, but only with your beliefs, and only if you believe in God and Jesus in this very specific way.

Michelle somewhat nonplussed with the idea that her entire family, including if not especially her beloved Catholic grandmother, are going to fry like an egg on the sidewalk in summer.

"What about people who never heard that this was what they were supposed to believe?" says Michelle, "What about some 15th century French peasant who couldn't read and followed what his priest told him, but the priest didn't tell him to get born again, is he going to hell?" Marq answers that not knowing is no excuse, so Michelle came up with this story:

"So, you die and go to heaven and you meet God who says:

'Welcome, Marq! Now, before you come in, I need to ask you a couple of questions.'
'Okay!'
'Do you believe in Me, the Lord your God?'
'Yes, Lord!'
'Great! Do you believe that My son, Jesus Christ, was the Messiah and died for your sins?'
'Sure do!'
'Fantastic! And what about the Four-Headed Monkey?
'Yes, I...the what?'
'The Four-Headed Monkey, did you worship the Four-Headed Monkey?'
'I never heard of the Four-Headed Monkey!'
'O, I really am terribly sorry, but you're going to hell.'
'But that's not fair, nobody mentioned any Four-Headed Monkey to me!'
'Honestly, I'm just sick about it, but the rules are quite clear, and if we made an exception in your case then we'd have to do it for everyone. Bye now!' "

As I told Michelle, though, who wants to go to heaven if it's gonna be all full of nothing but Loony Fundamentalists™? What a drag! I'll join my entire Catholic family, Mother Teresa, all of the Popes and Saints and Martyrs, the Jews, the homosexuals, the musicians, the actors, the atheists, the Buddhists, the Muslims, and all of my friends in hell, thank you very much.

I figure that somebody's gonna be surprised when they die and go to heaven, and it probably won't be Michelle and me.

"What's Harvey Fierstein doing here? He's gay and Jewish!"

Today's horoscope:
Family and friends want to play with you today. Find activities everyone can enjoy. A blend of the familiar and new works well.

One year ago today:
"Where is everyone? We're working our asses off back in the lab! Where are all these turkeys! Everybody leaves early! Nobody works up here! Except for you!"

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Last Updated Sun 5 September 11:12:09 1999