The funniest thing happened.

Some Rhodes scholar where I work had the bright idea to colour copy a ten dollar bill and stuff it into the pop machine, and when it neither gave him a soda nor $9.40 in change, he (wait for it, wait for it) did it again!

I mean, how stupid do you have to be to think that would work? How does this guy manage not to drown in the rain? How does he find his way to work every day without wandering around the Upper West Side for hours looking for the building?

He only copied one side, the paper is wrong, and besides, the pop machine doesn't take ten dollar bills!

I knew there were plenty o' idiots round my office, but this is the cherry on the Charlotte Russe. What a fucking cheesehead.

The strangest thing has happened.

They think I'm engaged, 'round my office!

I'm not entirely certain how that came about, because I certainly never told a lie like that, but I think that it came from when I was reading Martha Stewart's wedding issue. Now, I was reading that because it was Martha, not because it was wedding, though I do adore bridal magazines, but I think that a couple of people in my office saw that and didn't think "Martha Stewart fan", they thought "Planning a wedding".

In fact, the head of billing teased me about being engaged, but I just laughed it off as I thought she was joking. But then a couple of days ago, Judy and I were joking about something or other and I said "Is this your way of telling me that you have a crush on me?" and she said "Yeah, I was real busted up when I heard you were engaged." and I was kind of shocked into silence.

I find it odd that they think that when I've never mentioned it to be true, but nobody here, really, except John, knows a thing about my personal life, so I guess it's just as plausible as anything else.

I realized the other day that I have absolutely nothing whatsoever in common with anyone else in the city of Weehawken when I got on the van and the TV was playing Family Matters (sample line: "My father's new hobby is pantomime, so if nobody answers the phone, it's him!") and not only were people not complaining, they were weeping with laughter!

I was gnawing on my own wrists in an attempt to make the horror stop, and they were pounding each other on the back and bonding with their mutual appreciation of Urkel.

Ever read the play No Exit? It was like that.

I was walking down the hall at work singing "O what a night--late December back in '63..." and I turned to John whom I was walking with and said "I don't know why that song's in my head!" and he said in a fed-up voice "Well get it out!"

One year ago today:
No flies on me!

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Juan Maldonado!

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Last Updated Thurs 7 May 13:44:09 1998