A couple of years ago (I can't be bothered to find the link) I was asked what my defining characteristic was, and I answered that it was my sense of humour--that I was always working the funny.

That's not actually true. Maybe that's my external defining characteristic, but my internal defining characteristic is fear.

There is fear in every pore, in every cell--sometimes I think that fear is what binds together each molecule. I know that humans are supposed to be mostly made of water, but not me. I am filled with so much fear that if I lost it, I would fall to bits.

Vaporize. Turn into a puff of steam.

Fear is the reason that my life remains the same day in and day out no matter how desperately I want it to change.

I am immobilized. I am trapped in a cloven pine.
But it must be what I really want, or wouldn't I break free?

The fear is comfortable. I can blame everything on it. I have gone to bed with this fear every night and gotten up with it every morning for as long as I can remember.

And whenever I have tried to get past it, it always turned out that I was right to be afraid. I don't know how to make things different.

And my greatest fear is that I will always be this way.

One year ago today:
I think it's a hedgehog thing.

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Ian the Terrible!

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Last Updated Wed 26 August 08:58:09 1998