I had about 400,000 things to do yesterday, but I turned on the TV at 1p and Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was on TNT, and then after that I had to bathe and get ready to go to the theatre, so that pretty much ate up the day.

And the reason I was going to the theatre was because we are doing the Samuel French One Act Festival over at our theatre, and I foolishly volunteered to run the box office for any performance where they couldn't find anyone else. Which of course means that I will be doing eight out of the ten performances.

Ah well, it's only once a year, and I don't really mind.

There was this guy on the van the other day who just would not stop moving!

Now, normally this wouldn't bother me particularly, but since I was sitting in the front lefthand seat on the aisle and he was in the righthand extra seat facing backwards, this meant that we were literally knee to knee.

And he just would not stop moving!

He was either twitching or dropping things or running his fingers through his hair or mopping his brow with a paper napkin or sniffing and I was about ready to kill him by the end of the ride!

He either had Tourette's or was on coke, and the sniffing made me think the latter.

I hate being slapped on the back more than anything.

Well, not more than nuclear war, but you know what I mean.
You see, because I am big, because I am tall, because I am as big as a man, because I am bigger than you, guys tend to slap me heartily on the back, or pound me chummily on the shoulder and I just loathe it.

It's like they think I'm a man, too. And I'm not. They needn't make it quite so clear that they don't want to fuck me.

On SNL last night were spoke possibly the most incongruous words ever, Nathan Lane saying "Ladies and gentlemen, Metallica!"

And what the fuck was the glorious Maryanne Faithfull doing embarrassing herself in that manner? Yeah, I know it was a re-run, but I missed it the first time round.

O my God, o my God, go here!!! Answered prayers, baby...

One year ago today:
Hopefully to be mown down by a passing taxi.

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Last Updated Thurs 7 May 13:44:09 1998