It is so hot.
You know how when you're in pain and you scream and yell, but when you're in an unbelievable amount of pain, then you are quiet because screaming is useless and takes too much energy, and you just lie there and whimper?

Well, that's what this heat is like.

I could say "It is so fucking hot" or "My God, it's hot" or "It's hot as hell", but it just takes too much energy. And so all you can say is:

It is so hot.

Yesterday we had our first rehearsal on the stage, and it wasn't bad. Wasn't great, but wasn't bad. Then we did the photo shoot for the next show, and I just realized that I don't know the title. And everything is secret as the grave. I don't think that I learned anything too sensitive, plot-wise, but one never knows, so best not to mention anything.

Charlie Kelly is in the show, and I haven't seen him in a terribly long time. Judging from how much older he looks (though he's still very handsome), I think it's been years and years. And I suddenly realized how awful I look.

If it's been as long as I think it has, then I have gained so much weight. It was as though I was looking at myself from outside myself, and I was truly revolted. I hate myself. I hate the way I look. I feel shapeless, like a sack of potatoes. Or as though I am in some sort of really realistic Rick Baker fat suit, but I can't get out of it.

And I want to get out of it.

When I was in college, I lost 50 pounds without trying or noticing. It was incredible. And how it happened was this: I was living in the dorm, and I was on the two meal a day meal plan. I ate an enormous breakfast every day, eggs, bacon, toastedbagelcreamcheese, home fries, the works. Then no lunch, and for dinner I always got there when it opened at 5p because that's when all my cafeteria friends wanted to eat, and they were the coolest people in the joint, bar none. Let me make it clear, I wasn't anything like as cool as they were, but they liked me and let me hang with them, so I got there at five, even though I was never hungry at five. So I would have some rice or potatoes or noodles, whatever starch was on hand, and eat some of that. Then, at 10p I was aching with hunger, but I had no money and no food, so I would have to wait until breakfast to eat again.

Then, one day I was in the bath and I was shaving my legs and I suddenly realized that there was alot less leg to shave, and I remembered that recently I had been sitting on the edge of my bed and I had some little things on my lap, and they kept falling to the ground, because my thighs didn't meet, and that's when it hit me that I had lost all of that weight.

I want to try that again. Large breakfast, small dinner eaten early. Of course, it's alot more difficult now because my meals are no longer dictated by cafeteria times or cool friends, and I have a kitchen full of food just on the other side of my living room wall.

And why am I writing all of this?
Well, if you really want to diet, I always find that it's best to tell everyone in sight because then it's too embarrassing to have to admit that you blew it again. It's like I have put myself into the position on having to write every day, because I have created this scenario where people expect it, and it would be entirely humiliating if I started skipping days. Of course, I love writing here so that's not entirely the same thing, but still...

So I'm telling the world wide web, crying at the top of my lungs:

I AM GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!

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Last Updated Tues 11 August 22:38:09 1998