You wanna know how stupid I am?

Unbelievably so, that's how stupid.

I get home last night and I try to sign on, but I get this recording saying "Your Sprint service has been temporarily disconnected, please press 1 to speak to an operator". It was then that I realized that I had forgotten to get a new local phone number from my ISP. "But how bad could it be?" I thought.

$391, that's how bad. I have spent $391 in long distance calls in the past sixteen days, and every penny of it was spent on surfing the goddamn net and checking my goddamn e-mail because I am too goddamn stupid to remember that I'm living in a different state now!

I mean, if I had spent it talking to an overseas paramour like Amanda did, that would be one thing, but spending it reading about people fighting on Diary L is moronic.

And my two choices are to send them the money right now (ha!) or wait until I get the bill and work out a payment plan then.

Fuck!

So, after finding that out, I decided fuck quitting smoking, I was going out and getting a pack of cigarettes. Of course, I forgot that I now live in this fucking backwater burg, and that it might be easier said than done.

It was, let me make it clear, not yet midnight. So I went down to the liquor store--closed. Went down to the grocery store--open. Walked inside, asked for the cigarettes, was told "They're at customer service, but that's closed now."

So I stomped down the street, determined to find a pack of cigarettes or die trying. I walked for blocks and blocks, and I kept thinking that I was seeing open stores, but it was just lit windows of closed stores. I finally saw an open restaurant, and through the window I saw a cigarette machine! Hoorah!!

It took dollars and change, so I pulled out $2.75 in change and started feeding it into the machine. At $2.50, a quarter got stuck, so I had to press change return and start over again. Seven times. I tried dollar bills, but you know how these machines are--they insist on cherry mint hermetically sealed bills, so my dollars with the slightly bent corners were spat back in disgust. So I started pumping that change in again, but it kept jamming.

It was diabolical. After a while, I was looking for the Candid Camera. Those cigarettes must have been as stale as month old bread, because I can't imagine anyone coaxing a pack out of it. I'll bet it requires sacrificing a chicken or something.

So I finally gave up and continued on my travels. Found an open bar and asked if they had cigarettes. Fortunately they did, because otherwise I would have thrown myself across the bar and torn out the bartender's throat with my teeth.

Then I went home and laughed at myself for ten minutes.

I'll tell you, though, if anyone e-mails me and says "I can't believe you spoiled your quitting and now you'll have to start all over again" or "You really shouldn't have spent that $3 when you owe so much to Sprint", I will be forced to hunt you down and kill you.

Anyway, what I was going to write about before this extravaganza occurred, was Scream 2, which John and I saw after work.

Here are my observations (no spoilers):

1. Good flick.
2. Sarah Michelle Gellar got shafted.
3. My Da would have been great as the police chief.
4. David Arquette is one of the best actors alive, because he comes off as all sweet and adorable, but if you've ever seen him on a talk show you know that he's an asshole of the first water.
5. I thought it was hilarious that they played five songs over the closing titles--clearly so that there would be a reason to put them in the soundtrack album.
6. The funniest thing in the whole picture was the Skeet Ulrich impression in the movie within a movie. Very accurate.
7. That college drama department has one big-ass budget.

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Last Updated Thurs 28 May 19:35:09 1998