6 August
O God, o God, my parents are coming into town on Thursday, and, as of Sunday, they're staying with me! And this place is a mess, too.
Just another example of the hideousness of my life.
Don't forget that I am Chrystal's Cool Page this week!
Okay, darlings, instead of three things today, you get only get one, but it's really long. The following story is true; only the names have been changed to protect the easily embarrassed:
An actor's nightmare generally is just that, a nightmare in which you are in an unfamiliar play and you don't know the lines and everyone's laughing (unless it's supposed to be a comedy, and then no-one's laughing) and maybe you're naked, but one that you wake up from. When they really happen, you know what hell truly is.
A friend of mine, we'll call him Biff, (I promised him a pseudonym, I did not promise him a dignified pseudonym), was doing an (almost) one man show in which he plays a performer having a mental and emotional breakdown onstage, in the middle of a ton of stage effects. Well...I'll let him tell it.
"The finale of my show involved about 5 tape cues, light cues, (actress)'s second entrance and a pie in the face, all of which are completely necessary for the ending of this play to make any sense at all. On the opening night, before a packed house, I got to the cue line that is suppose to start all the noise and commotion...
and nothing happens.
Instead of applause, then laughing, then lights blinking, then singing, then James Bond Music and (actress) entering, there was
NOTHING.
A BIG FAT NOTHING!
(Director) had accidentally brushed a power control switch into the off position when he was leaning out the booth trying to pick up my line cue. In that booth, it is impossible for the techies to hear what is going on onstage. So, when he pushed the tape go button, nothing happened. They freaked out trying to figure out what went wrong, not realizing and forgetting that they were also supposed to be hounding me "live" from the booth. They never found the power switch.
I am out there floundering with a CAPITAL F.
(Actress) was waiting for her cue, which never came, so she just decided to stay there which was a smart move on her part because I was DYING out there. Why the hell would anyone want to go on stage with a DYING MAN. I don't think I would have had the guts either. So there was no pie in the face.
And now I have the obligation of performing a mental meltdown without any visible motivation at all. I did the best I could, keeping it as simple as possible, but even when I uttered my last line, which the light booth couldn't hear, the lights still didn't go off. I'm on my knees in supplication, praying for a blackout, and in those minutes of onstage terror, my waking reality was no different from any actor's nightmare I've ever had while sleeping.
That which does not kill you, makes you stronger.
P.S. The show went on the next night and came off without a hitch."
And that, dear children, is an actor's nightmare. Now brush your teeth and go to bed.
Sweet dreams...
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Last Updated Thurs 26 November 23:27:09 1998